I've don't even have a parking ticket

Hi,
I'm tired of being detained.

Every time, and I do mean EVERY time, I cross back into the U.S.A. I am detained at Customs by Homeland Security. I get off a plane, line up, show my valid Canadian passport and Permanent Resident Card for the U.S.A. and then the fun starts. The officials smile at me, ask me to place my right 4 fingers on the security pad, then my right thumb, then my left 4 fingers, then my left thumb, then they take my photo... then they shake their head, frown and proceed to collect all my documents and march me to "the room".

"The room" varies from airport to airport but they are all pretty similar. They consist of as many as a dozen Homeland Security officials with full regalia on (back uniforms, badges of authorization, patrol batons, guns and bad haircuts), a counter too high for anyone to see over, several computer screens that only the officials can stare at, about 40-50 uncomfortable chairs, access to a bathroom and dull grey walls. I have been kept in "the room" for as long as 4 hours, waiting for it to be my turn.

While you sit, and all you can do is sit, you get to watch the Homeland Security team do their thing. They round up the little old ladies from India in wheelchairs. Young back packers from Germany. Businessmen from Taiwan. Mothers with screaming children. Fathers who speak little English. It's quite the motley crew once we are all assembled. No phone calls are allowed, don't even think about turning your cell phone on, let alone look at it to play Tetris (okay I'm dating myself). You just get to sit.

Once my name is finally called all I get is a "welcome back to the United Sates  Ms. Naiman", my documents handed back to me and a wave to the exit door. No explanation, no apology, no nothing, not even a stale cookie. I'm thinking the least they could do is hand out cookies and tea while you wait. I have tried asking what it is about me that gets me put in 'the room' every time but the most I get is a reference to the fact that I was sent back from crossing in Windsor to Detroit in 2006 (a whole other story). Okay, but they let me cross into the States the following day and Marshall had to marry me to keep that from happening again, so what's the problem now? We pay our taxes, I don't have a criminal record, the house is clean and I buy Girl Scout cookies. What is the matter with me?

My new attempt to clear this up is filing with T.R.I.P (Traveler Redress Identity Program), bet you didn't even know they had one of these, did you? June 13th I put in for a "redress I.D." which means they are supposed to get my name off what ever list it is on with Homeland Security so that I can show my I.D. and get through security like everyone else. I still haven't heard back from anyone at TRIP. Yesterday I spent 2 hours e-mailing senators, governors and congressmen to get them to see what's holding up the process.... all of them e-mailed me back that there is nothing they can do about a Homeland Security problem. It's out of their hands..... is this starting to sound like an "SS" World War ll scenario? "I  hear notink, I see nothink, I know nothink!". So I wait.

I have to say my most recent trip to 'the room' lasted only 15 minutes and they actually let Marshall sit with me this time..... but it's still the biggest waste of time, effort and money to stop ME. How terrifying is a short middle-aged Jewish broad with a shaved head and knitting needles? 

Obviously I scare the crap out of them.

xox
m