sleepless nights

Hi,
the joke in my family used to be that Eric (my brother) and I could sleep through anything, including a fire... which we did at our cottage when we were kids. As the neighbouring cottage burned to the ground one early morning, and everyone in the area ended up in our place with crying kids, panicked moms and fire fighters all over the place, Eric & I slept soundly. Those days are long gone.

Now the least little thing wakes me. That would be fine if I had my husbands' talent for falling back asleep. I don't. I'm up and my brain goes in to hyper-mode churning over the dumbest things at 3am. Is there anything ever 'smart' to think about at 3am? Laundry, food shopping lists, bill paying, chirping crickets, the pain in my neck, I can't shut any of it out. I do get a lot of reading done, sometimes I knit, rarely do I bother trying to find a decent old movie to watch. Is any of this worth losing sleep over? No, but my brain and my body are in total disconnect. I am physically tired, my head just isn't playing along with the program. On nights like these I'd sign up for a lobotomy if I thought it would help.

I never used to understand adults complaining about 'not sleeping'. Who cared? Sleep was easy, close your eyes, call the Sandman, game over. Up until I got sick with cancer I never had sleeping issues. Since then I have joined the realm of the waking dead-heads. Sleep deprivation is ugly and it hurts. Where I used to take 8 hours of shut-eye for granted now I'm thrilled if I get more than 6 in a night. Naps don't work. I'm not able to shut off during the day any better than I am at night and if I do sleep mid-day then I'm off kilter the rest of the time and my body clock doesn't know where it's supposed to be set. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

The only thing that seems to work is if I can get my body so whacked out from physical work I drop off the edge of conscientiousness without enough strength to keep myself awake one second longer. Gardening, swimming, house cleaning, pond scrubbing are all useful for tiring me out. Marshall thinks I'm a compulsive clean freak but I just think it's the only way to exhaust myself enough to get some rest.... with a touch of 'water addiction' thrown into the fray. This works for a few nights but not always. Pills aren't a good answer. The drug residue is unkind the next day and I'm not a good addict. I'd rather clean the bathtub at 2am than try sleeping pills.

Eventually I do run out of steam but the cycle starts to build again after one or two nights and then I'm awake looking for something to do. Tonight it's blogging. We'll see if that knocks me out. Doubt it. Now I'm wide awake and in typing mode.

What I wouldn't give for those 8-9 hour stretches of blissful unawareness. Oh look.... a fire!

xox
m